My daughter is a naturally empathetic person. She is greatly affected by the emotions of others and regularly displays the ability to share and understand another person’s feelings. When she sees someone cry or be hurt, she always asks about the source of their pain and at times, takes on and matches their emotion. When another child skids their knee and cries, she often reflects on when she had bumped her knee and conjures the sentiment that she once felt. She has a desire to understand what the other person is feeling and thereby offer assistance or advice (although a four-year old’s advice can be comical). At times, I have found myself wondering if she is too emotional or too affected by the people around her. I have worried about her resilience and about her ability to be “tough” in the future. These thoughts, I now realize, are completely irrational and with every meeting and conversation that I have with students, families, and colleagues, I understand more clearly that empathy may be the most important soft skill that a person can have.
There is a profound shift taking place in the world around us. Young people are becoming more isolated from face to face communities and are becoming more active in virtual spaces. With it, there are studies that suggest that they are losing the ability to connect emotionally with the people around them. At the same time, there is a plethora of information from industry leaders, prominent CEOs, health care professionals, and so on that emphasize the significance of empathy for success. Empathy is important for leaders to get the best out of their employees, it is important for effective teamwork, it is important for successful negotiations, for “design thinking”, for sales, for customer service, for patient care, for understanding multiple perspectives, for creating peace, and ultimately a more positive world.
So empathy is great, now what? The challenge lies in developing empathy in our children. It’s not that we’re not trying, but maybe we’re not trying enough or maybe we’re not trying different approaches. My mind goes to a story from a friend whose two sons fought constantly, not unlike my upbringing with my brother. The challenge is that the older son (around 8 years old) did not seem to care every time he made his younger brother cry. When his parents asked the question “how would you feel if he had done [the same thing] to you?”, his response would be “I wouldn’t care.” His parents were at a loss, wondering “what do we do now?” One tactic may be to isolate the emotion rather than the event. Try asking him to recount a time when he felt sad to the point that he cried. Have him focus on the emotion – was it a good feeling? What would have made him feel better? While the events that make us happy or sad or angry or frustrated may be different, the feelings we have are universal – this lies at the heart of empathy. It’s more of a figurative “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” rather than a literal approach.
And remember, it takes time!! Like any skill, you don’t get good at something in one go. Challenge your children to pay attention to the emotions of others, to ask their friends “what’s wrong?” if they notice a change in their mood and to listen to their response. Challenge them to volunteer, read a book or watch a film that is told from a different perspective than their own and ask them thoughtful questions about the characters and events. And finally, give them opportunities to “do-over” their response to a situation or another person to see the result of their changed approach.
Young people that display empathy have been proven to more engaged in school, less likely to participate in “bully” behaviour, develop more positive relationships, and have stronger communication skills. The best part is that everyone has the potential to develop their level of empathy and most importantly, to learn how to act on it. Feeling and understanding the emotions of others is the first step but acting on it and changing the way you behave towards others as a result of this is where the real change occurs. That’s where the magic happens and real lives are impacted...
If you require any help or additional information about how to help your child become more empathetic, please contact Best Fit Educational Consulting at info@guidingyourfuture.com or visit us at www.guidingyourfuture.com.